I am with you

I mentioned before that through prayer, scripture, and the Lord’s help, I was able to overcome my claustrophobia when I was younger, but I also want to share with you how the Lord helped me overcome my anger with HIM.  In my late teen years, I was angry with the Lord, that He had allowed me to go through such a traumatic experience as a child, one that affected my life in such a major way.  I could not understand and I could not make sense of His “plan”, I was just angry.  I would replay the memories I had of that day, over in my head and just keep asking WHY?  I do remember that that day, I was laughing and having fun with my family.  We were all having fun.  I then decided to make my family laugh by taking the little leather belt that used to come on old metal skates, take it off the skates, and latch the little belt around both my ankles.  Now, those of you who know the today me, are probably wondering how in the world a big guy like me was able to get something that small around both my ankles!  Now remember I was very little in age, but surprisingly for many of you, I used to be very slim.  I mean so slim that I wore extra slim pants.  SERIOUSLY!!!  Anyhow, as I wanted to make my family laugh, I began to hop around with my ankles tied together.  Getting the picture?  Well, as luck would have it, I tripped, big shocker right?  As I fell, I fell right into the corner of a coffee table we had in the living room, face first, and I literally split my lip open, from the lip up to the base of the nose.  My mom says there was blood everywhere!!  I remember crying, I remember the white towel that was being held to my face, and looking down at it, and realizing that instead of white, it was red with blood.  I remember making it to the hospital and seeing a medical helicopter that was either trying to land or take off.  Then this is where it gets interesting.  My memories go from my point of view to looking down at myself, as if an out of body experience.  I see myself in the papoose, strapped in.  I see the doctors and nurses around me.  I can see myself screaming, wanting to get out.  All of this made me angry.  Where were you God?  Why did this have to happen?  Why did you leave me alone?  One day as I was thinking through this again, I asked the same questions as I had before, yet this time, I got a gentle answer.  I was sulking and asking why, and then I heard him say, “Look again”.  What do you mean?  “Look again”.  I am looking.  Where were you I was all-alone.  “Look closer”.  I still didn’t get it.  It was at this point I think the Lord knew I was just not going to get it.  Then I heard Him say, “You are looking through my eyes”.  “I was right there the whole time, watching over you, right beside you”.  Tears began to flood my eyes as I realized and began to process His answer.  He had not forgotten me; He had not left me alone, he was right there the WHOLE time.  GOD loves me so much, that He was giving me a glimpse through His eyes, and what I saw was He looking down on me, watching over me.  How many times do you ask the same types of questions that I did?  Know He is there with you at EVERY moment.  We may not physically see Him, but He is there.  

This week, the Lord reminded me of this.  With all that has been going on, it is easy to think that the Lord has left me alone, yet He reminded me, “I was right there, and am right there now”.  He is with me, walking beside me, watching over me.  I will rest and trust in Him.  

I will leave you with one of my favorite verses.  

Psalm 4:8

In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety.

Waiting

Rhesa took this picture without me knowing!

Today was the day we had been waiting for in my journey.  Today was the day that I finally was to get a P.E.T. Scan of my body to try and find this tumor that is producing the higher levels of dopamine.  I had done my research in trying to see what exactly a P.E.T. scan involved and thought I would be ok.  Rhesa and I show up to the imaging place where I was to have the scan and as we walked in to the door I was instructed to go in, only days earlier, no one was there.  The part of the building I was in was completely empty.  We come to find out that the imaging place was taking some COVID-19 precautions and I was supposed to actually come in through the main entrance, but no one called and there were no signs telling us.  We finally get someone to come and check me in and then very shortly I was taken back to get the nuclear isotope injected into me.  I mean, I know we are supposed to shine like stars in the universe, but glow???  HAHA!  I was informed that I would in fact set off radiation detectors if I was planning to fly or go through any border patrol checkpoints.  They were prepared to give me documentation if necessary.  I thought this was very interesting.  One cool thing was that in order for the technician to be safe, the isotope was in a syringe that was encased in metal made of tungsten.  The tiny room I was in, that really only fit my reclining chair and the tech, was lined with lead!  This was some serious business.  Well, I had not eaten or taken my new meds, as I was to be fasting, and soon after the isotope was injected, I began to notice that I went cold, then really hot, my heart rate increased, I became flushed, and I was having some difficulty breathing.  It felt like the time I had to go to the ER, the night before my brother’s funeral.  My body started releasing extra adrenaline as if I needed more!  I tried to calmly let the tech know that I was not feeling well, and what was going on.  He quickly went and got Rhesa from the waiting area.  Rhesa was able to sit in the hallway outside the tiny room, and talked to be for about an hour, the time that was necessary to allow the isotope to go through my body.  Now those of you who know us, know that I am the talker, but today, Rhesa spoke my love language and talked me through.  I was trying to remain calm and be okay with this necessary scan and I was able to go in the first time for about three minutes, then it happened again.  I could feel the adrenaline being released and surging through my body.  Not a good thing.  Remember, the adrenaline amplifies my claustrophobia.  I began to spiral into an episode of which I am not able to control.  The tech offered quickly, to get Benadryl to maybe help relieve some of the stress.  We agreed that that was probably the best idea.  They got me 50mg of Benadryl, which was supposed to do the trick, and NOTHING!  Oh, and I forgot to mention that by this time we had had several attempts at starting the scan, and had to ask to be pulled out of the tube.  Now granted, it is not like the MRI tube, but for someone who is hyped up on adrenaline, it might as well have been.  So after the dose of 50mg, and nothing is happening, the decision was made to give me more.  Now, I was under the understanding that 50mg was what they had ordered in total and that they had only given me 25mg and were now going to give me the second half, but I was wrong.  They did have to order a second 50mg dose, which would bring the total now to 100mg in my system.  It took a little bit for the second dose to kick in, but it did, and  I was able to relax enough to get the scan done.  It was difficult.  I never fell asleep, and I think the techs were strangely confused as to why I wasn’t completely knocked out and snoring with that much Benadryl in my system.  After the scan was done, the tech told me I had had enough Benadryl to put down a horse.  My reply was " I guess that's the problem as I'm more like an elephant"! HAHAHA! The other great thing was that Rhesa came and talked to me the whole time.  She was standing by my head talking about things, mostly just to keep my attention and keep me calm.  That girl loves me, I know.  She used up all her words for the day she said, but I know she did it out of love and I love and appreciate her for it.  In the end, it was DONE!!!  I did come home and slept for about an hour.  

Now,  I need your prayers.  Pray for the DR. that will read these scans.  Pray that the Lord give them eyes to see and find the tumor, its exact location.  Pray for me as I wait.  Waiting is the worst part.  I have an appointment on Friday with my endocrinologist, and should hopefully have results then.  If and when they locate it, then I will need you to help us pray for the next step, removing the tumor.  Right now, with all that is going on, I’m sure it will most likely not be any time soon.  We have already been told that most likely we will have to travel to Houston and have it removed at M.D. Anderson.  So pray with us, pray for us.  

I was able to get home and take my meds, and I am now feeling so much better.  Such a roller coaster ride, and honestly, I HATE roller coasters!  HAHAH!  Thanks for reading, but more than that, thanks for lifting my family and I .

Pheo chromo WHAT???!!!

Just wanted to give you some info as to what Pheochromocytoma and Paragangliomas are so that you know what I am dealing with.  As far as I know, the only way to deal with this tumor is to have it removed.  I am in the process with my endocrinologist to locate the tumor first, then GET IT OUT!!!

pheochromocytoma?

A pheochromocytoma (fee-o- kroe-moe- sy-TOE- muh) is a rare, usually noncancerous (benign), slow-growing neuroendocrine tumor that develops in cells in the center of an adrenal gland called the adrenal medulla. These two adrenal glands, one above each kidney, produce hormones that give instructions to virtually every organ and tissue in the body.  The adrenal medulla controls hormones that initiate the flight or fight response.

Pheochromocytoma produce an excess amount of catecholamine hormone, which include norepinephrine (noradrenaline), epinephrine (adrenaline), and dopamine. The release of catecholamines can cause persistent or episodic high blood pressure, headache, sweating and other symptoms. If left untreated, a pheochromocytoma can result in severe or life-threatening damage to other body systems, especially the cardiovascular system.

https://pheopara.org/education/pheochromocytoma

paraganglioma?

Paraganglioma (păr′ə-găng′glē-ō′mə) is a rare, usually noncancerous (benign), slow-growing tumor that is closely related to pheochromocytoma. It originates from outside the adrenal glands, specifically from the parasympathetic or sympathetic nervous system. Just like pheochromocytoma, paraganglioma is also characterized by the presence of an excess amount of hormones called catecholamines, which include norepinephrine (noradrenaline), epinephrine (adrenaline), and dopamine. It is these hormones that lead to persistent or episodic high blood pressure and other symptoms. Although it is rare, some paragangliomas do not produce any catecholamines, so common symptoms such as high-blood pressure, sweating or heart palpitations do not appear. 

https://pheopara.org/education/paraganglioma

Bonus Info!!!

I told Rhesa I was going to design and create this shirt for myself!  I gotta laugh and enjoy the life that was given to me!

BTW,
Yes I created this simple layout!

The journey continues.

I have gone back and forth about how honest I wanted to be with you, those who are reading this.  As ministers/missionaries, many times we feel we have to be strong and/or we cannot be completely honest or real with those we minister to or with.  Sometimes I think the expectation, whether it be self imposed or whether it is expected of us, is that we should or do not go through the same things as everyone else.  How transparent should those of us in ministry be?  I know for myself, I am usually the one helping, not the one needing the help. I am usually the one praying for someone, not needing someone to pray for me.  With all this said, I want to be honest.

As my symptoms started really to show, it seemed like what I could only describe as “panic attacks” were coming out of nowhere.  I noticed that the things I feared were amplified 100 times, to the point of irrational.  I am a pretty levelheaded guy most of the time.  Up to this point in my life, with the Lord’s help, I had learned how to control my claustrophobia.  I used to not be able to take elevators and when I was younger, even parking garages would have me sticking my head out of the window so I could feel like I could breathe.  This I know came from some childhood trauma I had when I split my upper lip open and the ER doctors forgot to numb the area before sewing.  I have memories of being strapped into a papoose like device and not being able to move, but being in horrible pain.  Small-enclosed places would set my heart racing, cause sweating, and scare me to death.  Through much prayer and reading scripture, I was able to give that fear to Jesus, and I was able to ride elevators, fly in airplanes, and do other things that required me being in small spaces.  Now honestly, a slow elevator still makes me go into prayer mode!  HAHA!  You see, with God, I was able to overcome this fear, but all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I began to have irrational reactions to this fear.  I could not stand to wear clothes that fit just a little snug, shoes that felt too tight were out of the question, and riding in the car at times was too much.  All these things would send my blood pressure sky high as the anxiety sent me into panic.  I felt like I could not breathe, my heart was racing, and I felt like I just needed to get out ASAP and RUN!  Now for those of you who know me well, know I don’t like sports and I almost have never run for anything, not even TACOS!!!!  HAHAH.  No seriously.  So for me to feel the need to just get out and start running was very very strange.  I began to notice that I could not fully concentrate and that I was being very forgetful, which for me is odd.  I can remember most things.  I have memories of before I was 2!  For real!  Yet, here I am, forgetting things.  For instance, I would be talking and I could not remember what I was talking about.  I could not remember whether I had taken my pressure meds, or conversations I had just had.  It was very frustrating for me.  I felt like I was going crazy and losing my mind, in fact I told Rhesa that several times.  I also felt like I was losing myself, as if I was slowly slipping away and couldn’t do anything about it.  We did not know at this point what was going on, and it was very scary for me.  Part of the symptoms of Pheochromocytoma can be depression and anxiety.  I had a check on anxiety but what I did not know until Rhesa was honest with me, was that I had a check for the depression also.  The funny thing was that when the “anxiety” started, or rather, when I was told that it was just all anxiety and that there was nothing else wrong, I had been given some meds to help with it.  I was told that it would help me with the symptoms.  I tried half a pill and all it did was put me to sleep, but it had no effect on diminishing the symptoms, in fact, it seemed to make them worse later on.  I spent many nights in hotel rooms, as we were still traveling, and at home, not being able to sleep but for a couple of hours.  A couple times, I shot up straight out of my sleep in full on “panic mode”.  Again, I felt like I could not breathe, my heart was racing, and I felt like I just needed to go out side and run.  It was awful, and all the while not knowing what was happening or why, and just being told it was just anxiety.  For months, I felt hopeless, truly.  Any type of small stress could send me into an episode, and I felt so out of control.  It was all just becoming too much for me.  I felt like I was not in my right mind, like chaos had invaded my life.  Three years ago, my baby sister had died of leukemia, and I was still trying to deal with that.  My mom’s health was not well at all, and my brother’s health was progressively declining.  Not to mention that Rhesa’s mom’s health was also not good.  Everything felt so overwhelming.  I tried to pray and I tried to trust, but it was as if I couldn’t.  I know we have all reached those moments in our lives where we feel like we have reached the end our rope, where we don’t know how or what to pray for, where there are no words to pray, only groans from our innermost.  This is where I found myself.  I could not even sing or play music, which is the way I have connected to the Lord all these years.  Even the words or tunes to songs were difficult for me to remember.  I felt lost, yet because of the sense of responsibility I have to my ministry, I tried to keep going, pushing myself to keep moving.  Rhesa was the only one I talked to and who could see all that was happening to me.  My heart was heavy from not only what was going on physically to me, but to those I love, my family.  What strikes me is admitting that I could not even pray for myself.  I did not have the strength.  A couple weeks ago the Lord brought my mind to a story in the Old Testament.  As Israel was fighting a battle, Moses kept his arms raised and Israel would continue to win.  As soon as Moses’s arm began to fall out of exhaustion, Israel would begin to lose.  Others had to come around him and help him raise his arms and keep them up so that victory could be had.  God reminded me that in the moments where I could not and cannot pray for myself, I should look to those around me who would help hold my arms up for victory.  In other words, ask those around me to pray for me, to lift me up when I am unable.  What a reminder of not only God’s love for me, but of the great family of God I have.  Thank you for all of you who have prayed for me, for Rhesa, and for the kids.  We need you to lift us in this time.  I have been put on new medications that are helping to control the high blood pressure and the over production of dopamine by my body.  I am having better days.  Each day seems more normal and I can function.  The fear and anxiety I had been experiencing are almost completely gone.  I can think and I can pray.  God has been in the midst of it all, every step of the way, and I know and trust that He has laid out the path for us during this time.  I can see it. I can feel Him here.  When else could I have an NP who could get me in to see an endocrinologist from one day to the next?  When else would I have an endocrinologist who knew right away what was going on?  When else would I have an endocrinologist who could get me in to see a cardiologist within a couple of days?  Honestly, even up to this point, I can see God’s hand.  Only He could make all of these things happen so seamlessly.  Even in the storms I can say GOD IS GOOD!